Tonight's Thoughts...

"So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed." John 8:36

This verse came to mind tonight as I glanced at Face of Sunshine's blog. Hmm....it's truly a powerful verse and something I truly want to believe in. I want to be FREE! Free from all this do's and don'ts and everything else society wants you to be.

I met this person almost two weeks ago and I went out for dinner with him. After the first date....I guess you could call it that but, there were a few little things that I didn't like about this person. I truly do want to find my partner who I'm supposed to live this life with but, this person....I just don't think he's the one and nor do I want to continue to go out with him. BUT, he doesn't stop calling or text messaging me. It's like, I belong to him or he belongs to me. This whole relationship thing is new to me but, I don't think this is how I'm supposed to feel. I feel trapped and like theres no space to breath. I feel like I'm obligated to give my time to him when I don't even feel like it. Also, I feel as though...well, I KNOW in my heart that I don't want to hang out with him any more. It's interesting though how even just one time....having dinner just one time, you just know. Or, maybe I'm wrong... maybe I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with him....Could it be?? Well, I'm convinced that I'm not supposed to spend any time with him just because I think if I really did like a guy it would be different. I would want to spend time with him, and I would want to see him again, and .....well, I wouldn't feel trapped!

On the other side....there's bunch of family who I have not seen for almost 10 years. I just invited one of my older cousin's for Christmas dinner when I'm not even sure if it's really going to happen or not. See, I have a cousin who lives just around the corner from me and the funny thing is, I havent' seen her for almost 10 years too but, we met randomly at the bus terminal. It's been so nice to have connected with her again.

Work, work....it's been really stressful at work these past few weeks. So many changes and I've been working so much that today i called in sick cause...well, i was out drinking last night with my cousin and her husband after work and I was so sick all night and this morning. I guess I learned not to go drinking on a work night. Hahaha! But never the less, it was nice for a change.
But, starting tomorrow it's another work day and Then, I have a day off! YES!

I've also started making some people's Christmas presents. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get everyone gifts this year but.....I guess it's ok.

Well, these are all my thoughts for the night. I'll have to write again possibly tomorrow.

See ya

JAMIE OLIVER NIGHT!

Last week Thursday evening Jamie Oliver came to the book store where I work and I was able to get a picture of him. It was pretty cool!

Hmm....

Hmm....Last few days I've been thinking a lot and I had many, many things on my mind. For example, work and just ME. It's strange but...I long for change and I don't really long for results or anything but....I long for something I'm not even sure if I can grasp it. Hmm...

I'll MISS You!

This evening we had a gathering at my place to say good bye to a few people in our lives....

I know I'm going to miss them a lot but, they are not going far. The thing is, I learned so much from her and I wanted to grow into a person who is always kind, loving, sharing, compassionate and always helping those of us who need help. It's always a blessing to meet people like this throughout one's life. I was lucky in this way but, I know I can become a person like this some day soon.

From this person I learned what it means to be a leader and have respect for those around you. I learned that being myself isn't a bad thing and that I need to learn to just trust myself and follow my own heart. I've been thinking a lot and I've come up with a conclusion that no one is here to live my life for me and that I'm the only one that can take care of myself and I'm responsible for my happiness. It's pretty cool that with every one that you meet in your life, they always have something you need to learn or, they learn something from you. I've only become a better person because of this person. I'm sure I'll see them again soon but....for now, I want to keep my memories in my heart and use some time to digest everything and change into the person I want to become. Thank You for everything and for always believing in me. I will miss You but, I know your not too far away. See ya

IMAGINE THE
UNIVERSE....

"IMAGINE THE UNIVERSE
BEAUTIFUL AND JUST
AND PERFECT...

THEN BE SURE OF ONE
THING:

THE IS HAS IMAGINED."

-Richard Bach, Illusions

EVERYTHING CHANGES...

So, I know it's been a very long time since I have written anything on my blog. I've been swamped with work and with the very little time I have for myself I have been actually, trying to manage friends as well as my own time away from people and society. But, I am ok....

WOW! Last three days have been really LONG. I've been spending way too much time at work, working and I wish for a change now. It's strange but....I feel as though I need to change my location of work. The same job but just a change in environment and people. Change is was I long for right now.

We got a new Manager about 4 or 5 months ago and I've learned so much and I've come to really admire this person in charge but I found out that the company is moving this person to another location and I really wanted to grow under this person just cause I saw many qualities that are similar to me as well, that I would like to acquire. But....I'm on my own again....and I'm ready to move on and I would really like to move up in the company. These are some of the things that are on my mind....

I wonder is any one else drowns themselves in work as I do. Yes, there are times when I feel like I need to get away but, work is a big part of my life. I wish I could re-locate. I wish I could learn more and develop new skills and one day I can become a strong, fair, caring, honest, consistent, and hard working manager. One day....I know it will come and I know I will enjoy it very much.

Hmm....what else.....it's finally my day off tomorrow but, I may have to go into work and I know I need to start cleaning my place cause I'm having a get together at my house this Saturday. Many people are expected to come but....with what little time I have and I need to clean my place and prepare. Seems like there really isn't enough time to spend alone in peace and quiet. But, I guess....just some people like me .....actually LIKE to work.

I'm coming to realize that I have been scared of change my whole life and it's time to face change and have fun with it. Each change is good and for me to work at another location might be the best thing to do. I'll think about it some more....See ya!

OH and , I can't wait till Christmas this year! It will be my first Christmas in my own place. I can't wait to decorate and build my worn traditions.
Hahaha

Ever Feel Like You Don't Belong???

I went to work today and after work....not a long day but, I worked without a break cause the day was just like that. After work I wanted to stay with my Manager just a little while some thing needed to be done....But I wasn't allowed to stay cause I was apparently going to be a distraction even though I was just going to sit and not say anything. I'm not sure what exactly happened but, I felt sooooo "put aside" and soooooo left out for some reason. I started getting frustrated and shortly after I was done work we were headed out for some staff dinner and at that point, I really didn't want to go just cause I felt as though I just don't belong. I should have listened to my heart. I shouldn't have gone cause I feel worse and I feel as though I'm at my job to just do the work, instead of enjoying it as I always do. I feel as though I try to talk to my Manager these days but, I just get brushed aside and that's it. Kinda like, I'm just not supposed to belong any more. I'm good at what I do and I know in my heart that I am but, today I just feel as though I don't belong and I can't stop crying cause I'm soooooooooo FRUSTRATED cause no one will listen and I feel like....I feel so used and I just don't know HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BE so that I don't feel hurt next time and I can go into work, just do my job (even though I enjoy it) and just leave. I wonder, has EVERYTHING CHANGED without me knowing???? IS IT JUST ME????

The Last Few Weeks...

Last few weeks have been really, really hectic and just...non stop. I'm pretty sure everyone has had this feeling before. Not even a feeling but, literally....just really busy and life is just non stop. Hmm....


I have been working like 8 and even 9 days straight with like just one day off and I find that I haven't been really doing anything except, work, sleep, eat and just try to get this and that done with the little time I have left for myself. WHAT IS THIS LIFE?? I have been trying to come up with a very good and persuading answer to this question but....each day as the days, weeks, months go by...I have NO ANSWER. Maybe one day soon a answer will come.


Some days I feel like I want more to my life now.....I want to do more...I want to feel more.....HOW?? This also has been a question lingering in my heart.....After just living one day at a time....getting the things that I need to get done each day...or not even getting it done but, just hoping things could get done....I really missed one thing and that was WRITING...either in my journal or on my blog. I think I'll write some thing sin my journal after I'm done writing this...whatever that I'm writing or trying to get out at least.


I think I'm going to write more. I've decided...even though I work a lot and I hardly have time to do what I want to do each day...I'm going to try a little harder to do even just a little of the things I want and feel like doing. I'm looking forward to my Saturday day off. My only one this week and I'm going to have lots of fun. Good night and see ya all soon.

I'm AMAZED!

The other day I had a really, really bad day at work. Not that it was ALL bad but, I felt as though I was worthless just because some one said something really hurtful to me. That night I had nightmares and yesterday at work, I felt as though my confidence have been shot down.

But, everything changed this evening. This evening I had the pleasure of working with my Manager who I admire a great deal. I admire her for her ability to focused, even though she has countless things on her mind. Not only that, she always takes the time to help and coach those who need help, even though she has so many things to do. I was amazed this evening as to how calm she stayed and she still has so much patience for each and every one of us. It's great to have such a Manager. The thing is, I think if I were a Manager I would want to be the same way. I learn a lot of her each day.

One day, I want to become a manager just like her.

Time To Let Go....

This evening I had some time to kinda sort out things with my inner heart and random people that are around me. It was kinda interesting to think about all the people that come into your life. Whether it be for a short time or long time, or if you learn anything from them or if they learn something from you, or even those who you work around with every day or just pass by on the street, or even those who you work with. Life and relationships are very interesting and I realized, also they could be very complicated. I realized though that, friendships and relationships shouldn't be complicated or stressful in any way and if they do...then, maybe it was just not meant to happen.

This evening I was able to answer some of the questions that was lingering in my heart and I feel better and I want to believe that because I was able to find some answers to these questions, I'm a better person for that. Now, I just want to get on with my life and not think about past friendships, or relationships that were just not meant to be. I think every one goes through this once in a while.

This person that I wish not to talk to any more....or possibly ever not see (but that's not going to happen....for reasons I wish not to say at the moment) I want to say "Thank You for all the things that you taught me and for teaching me One Important Thing, "That I'm not Any One's Toy." I realize that I don't even need to be some else even in front of you cause, every one IS, who they are and little by little.....people change to whatever it is that thy would want to be. I want to forget you but, I know in my heart I will always treasure the stories that you told me but....WAS EVERYTHING TRUE?? It's a strange question to wonder about but....I wish I just knew this One Answer. WAS EVERYTHING YOU TAUGHT ME, TOLD ME, and the STORIES YOU TOLD ME TRUE?? A part of me really wants to believe this but....another little part of me doesn't think everything was true....just because of the way you kinda never really explained yourself or....it just seemed like you kinda abandoned everything and kinda left me in the middle of nowhere. Well, any ways...It's no big deal and I Wish You the Best and I hope one day your dreams and desires come true. Good Bye for now."

Well, I guess that's that.....I can close this chapter of my life and move on with it. Good Night!

DAY OFF....

Today was my day off from work and when I woke up this morning I made a list of all the things I wanted to do today but, I didn't accomplish much today. It's like, the whole day went by soooo fast and now, it's an hour away from being tomorrow.


I walked the long way home from Starbucks and as I was walking I was reflecting on the day and I thought maybe....just maybe some times this is how it is when One just follows the flow of the Universe instead of always trying to do things by a certain time. I realized that even some times it's ok to just NOT get everything on my "To Do" list done. It's ok to just kinda let a day go by just accomplishing a few things. Now that it's time to sleep, I'm not tired :) and I feel like kind of finishing my "To Do" list.


The days seem to be flying by so fast. Some times I feel like, I want to fly but then there are also days when I wish the time, world, and life would just kind of slow down a bit so that I could actually enjoy some of the things I eat, watch, read, and everything else I need to do or want to do. So it seems that over all I had a good day and on my next day off I kind of want to experience the same kind of thing where I can flow with the Universe and just do what my heart wants to do at whatever time I am given. It's cool how we are given that freedom and power.

What is This Life??

Hmm....I have been thinking about this since yesterday.....My whole life has totally sucked, until NOW. My whole life NO one has taught me anything about LIFE, HAPPINESS, LOVE, Or anything else. Basically, I've been alone with NO one to look up too, NO one to ask questions too, NO one to talk too, ....I was alone.

WHAT IS THIS LIFE?? This question seems to be very BIG in my life these days....My life seems so good these days but I can't help wonder what kind of bad thing is going to happen next....WHAT IS THIS LIFE??

Who is any one to tell another HOW TO LIVE, WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO FEEL, WHAT TO DREAM....NO ONE CAN TELL YOU THESE THINGS...except your OWN HEART.

I wonder what my heart is truly telling me about WHAT MY LIFE IS.

The Lord is my Shepherd,
I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His names' sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23

"PEACEFUL ABIDING"

Today I was reading a chapter in the book I bought the other day. See, this whole week has been a little stressful because of work, and a slight change in routine....but, I read something that really turned my attention to "NOT THE SITUATION" that I'm in but rather...

"WHAT I COULD DO NOW".

I realized that I need to focus on the NOW and not all the things I NEED TO DO. I realized that I can focus more when I live in the NOW.

"Just to being able to accept things the way they just are..."....Hmm....I remember that some one I was close with told me this....I find it hard sometimes still to have this mind set and actually follow through with it but, I know in my heart as I grow each day....It will just happen.

I realized through out this week that, I make decisions without thinking most of the time. I don't realize what the consequences may be after I make a decision or do something....So, I've decided not to make a decision without truly feeling out everything and thinking about all the possible consequences....but, things don't seem like they are all black and white....what about the in between colors.....?? How would I know what decision to make...?? I realized that LIFE is full of decisions and we just need to learn from each one of them. It's an interesting process....

Well, I guess I have learned some things about myself this week.....I feel better though and my mind is not so scattered. HA HA HA :)

See ya and Peaceful Abiding to you all

"The Real Master...."

Last night I was reading a book and it suddenly hit me....It's time to grow up and BE MY OWN PERSON. I realized that I cannot depend on people and listen to every one that tells me what to do. It's time to THINK, and MAKE DECISIONS (cause I'm FREE to choose whatever I want) MYSELF. I don't need ANY ONE in my life to tell me what to do....

"Only your inner light can become the sunrise. The false master
persuades you to follow him, to imitate him, to be just a carbon copy of him.
The real master will not allow you to be a carbon copy, he wants you to be the original. He loves you! How can he make you imitative? He has compassion for you, he would like you to be utterly free- free from all outer dependencies.....


One has to accept life with all its problems. One has to go through life unprotected; one has to seek and search one's way. Life is an opportunity, a challenge, to find yourself....


Be the light unto yourself and you will be wise; let others become your leaders, your guides, and you will remain stupid, and you will go on missing all the treasures of life-which were yours."

Osho- Intelligence

I had a great friend who I really treasured and I will always treasure....and this person taught me many great and cool things that NO ONE has ever taught me and I'm really thankful but, I'm kinda happy that this person is no longer my friend. It sounds kinda funny but true. I realized that I had come to depend on this person a lot and I haven't really learned to listen to my own heart or even be my own person. NOW is the time to be my own person, and if that person was ever to come into my life again...I would like it if, this person was just my friend. A person who will just accept me for who I am....(even though I haven't really figured it out yet). It is kinda cool to realize this freedom that I have....I'm ready to let go and just treasure all the memories....It's time to be ME!

What is THIS that has BREATH??

"Then the Lord God formed man of dust from the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being."
Genesis 2:7

I was lying in bed feeling the way I breath and I suddenly woke up with so many thoughts and an urge to write. I wrote in my journal for a while and then I just turned my computer on and now, I'm trying to put all my running thoughts on my blog.


Last few weeks have been a little crazy and I haven't had much time to just think and listen to the silence of my apartment but, I have a longing too just sit in silence and grab each running thought and put them to understanding.

What is THIS that has breath??

This question keeps filling my mind and my thoughts. Seriously, what is it that gives us breath?? What is the urge and determination that keeps us breathing and going each day?? What is the purpose of our lives?? Why are we here?? How does our relationship with our own hearts and thoughts fit with the Universe?? How do I find my Center?? Who am I?? All these questions with no answers have filled my mind and thoughts and empty pages tonight.

The breath that is in me seems to be all my desires, passions, dreams, and visions... Another being inside of me, different from my mind and thoughts. It's actually every interesting and I'm curious as to what this breath can create and become....Well, I think that the breath inside me and the thing that gives me breath to live is GOD, the Universe....

I was told that whatever I wrote in my journal and whatever I desired would come true. I was so tempted to throw all that I have learned the past 7 (give or take) months out into the gutter when, something inside me stirred. Something in my heart told me not to forget anything that I've learned but, I should try to build upon them and figure out MY LIFE and continue to SEEK the answers to my never ending questions. Maybe this is my purpose...to ask and receive and maybe when I knock on the Universe loud enough, the doors will open and the doors to my heart will shine. I will never know unless I try....

I have decided to treasure everything I was taught and the stories I've been told. I will never forget and I will be thankful.....

Everything CHANGES...

Today I realized that everything changes. NOTHING remains the same.... So, I wrote a something about this.

Everything seems to change around me
Will anything remain the same?
I was once told that "Change is Good"
Sometimes its hard to see this through
Help me believe and see the truth.

Everything seems to change
My world turns upside down
When will my life turn the way it should?
I close my eyes and everything
Seems to go back the way it was
But I know its just a longing
A dream in my heart
Teach me to Believe

My world starts to turn
And I can feel the light
I know that nothing remains the same
"Change is good",
This is what I've been told
Teach me to Believe.

My world starts to turn
And I can feel the light
I know that nothing remains the same
"Change is good"
This is what I've been told
Teach me to Believe.

Melody in My Heart....

The other night I was woken up by a sudden urge to turn my computer on and write on my blog. It was an interesting feeling.

Then, last night it happened again but this time, I had an urge to draw a picture in my "Possibilities" book. (For those of you who don't know what that is....it's my special scrap book filled with dreams and visions and it's dedicated to my future.) I ended up drawing a picture of me....flying in the clouds and around me, there was all this beautiful bright light. It was such a wonderful feeling. Being set free.....

Well, today as I went to work, I had this melody in my head all day but, I had no words for it. Plus, who would have known......I never really thought of singing as anything until today. The feeling of being free to express all my thoughts and dreams....it was so liberating. Well, these are the words to my song.

I just want to be set free
I want to fly above the clouds
I just want to feel the joy
What is my purpose here?

Why does everything look so dark?
Where's the light that will set me free?

I just want to be set free
I want to fly above the clouds
I just want to feel the joy
What is my purpose here?

Where's the light that shines so bright?
Where's the laughter and the joy?
I just want to be set free

Teach me to fly
Teach me to shine
Show me the joy that I long for

I just want to be set free
Show me the way to the light

I Never Knew....

I never knew these things,
That my eyes are opening too.
I feel my heart beating,
I know I am alive.
But, Why Am I here?

I never knew these things,
That my heart is opening too.
I can feel the things around me,
I know I am alive.
But, Why Am I here?

I never knew these things,
That each day that I am given,
Is for me to search and find my path,
My Dreams, and Passions,
But, Why Am I here?
Why Am I here?

BREAKING FREE...

Breaking free from all my past conditioning seems to be the reason why I'm here right now. It's all so clear to me now. I never was able to realize this until recently when I was told by my Big Sister, and Teacher that I was not showing her any respect. So, today as I was about to go to bed after an exhausting day at work, needed to write on my blog and inspire myself and the rest of you who read my blog. :)

Peeling the Onion and Breaking Free from all my Past Conditioning has been a lot of work and very rewarding because, I'm able to realize little by little WHO I AM INSIDE, and I'm able to throw away the things I do not like and keep working on the things I desire and truly want to Be. It's a pretty cool experience!

See, my parents never really taught me much when I was growing up and I actually never knew that I was being like them in some ways. I understand why my Big Sister said I was not showing her any respect. See, my parents never taught me how to show some one respect but most of all, how to show myself respect first. I just broke Free from this one past conditioning. I know, in some ways this may sound really funny but, I'm actually really proud of myself for figuring this out now. Also, I'm very sorry for not showing any respect towards my Big Sister. I understand this now and I choose to take the responsibilities for my actions from now on.

Living My Life NOW....

Today during my lunch at work I realized so many things about what the next step is in my life. I realized once again NOW is the time. NOW is the moment to change and become the person I want to be. Yes, it is every day that I work on this but, I think I know NOW what I need to do each day in order to get where I want to go or, for the Universe to show me what I truly desire.

What do I truly DESIRE?? It's a question I have been thinking about the last few months since I've been on my own.....It's strange but, ....I never realized how difficult this question really is. IT'S NOT SIMPLE! Believe me...

WHO AM I?? This question I think can be answered when I realize my true desires. I know, it all sounds a bit confusing but, believe me, the confusing part is, pondering these questions day in and day out........Where do I even start?? Hmm...

I finally realized how important it is to do what I need to do each day. I have been putting some of my daily (what would you call it....??).....WORK. I guess I can call it WORK....Such as (If your probably wondering...) Like Morning Pages, and other things....Although, every day no matter what I write in my journal. That's something I never forget to do. I guess it's a good thing. BUT, I realized today that if I discipline myself do actually do ALL the things I need to do....I have a feeling that I'll get there faster. See, I still lack a tremendous amount of patients. I'm working on it though.

My Big Sister told me that "Patients is Courage". I've been wondering about this all week. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?? HOW LONG DO I NEED TO BE PATIENT FOR TO FIND COURAGE?? Hmm.......I wonder what happens when One is patient enough to receive Courage.....

So many things....so many things I find that I don't know what they are. I find that I know, what I know and ....I want MORE!

I also want to say that I TRUST NOW! I still have much work to do but, the main thing is, for now, I TRUST!

Romancing with Myself and My Feelings....

I started reading a new book today called, Intelligence by Osho and I read something so true and so beautifully expressed in it's own way.

" Look around! People's lives are absolutely poisoned,
poisoned by the head. They cannot feel,
they are no longer sensitive,
nothing thrills them.
The sun rises but nothing rises in them;
they look at the sun empty-eyed.
The sky becomes full of stars-they marvel, the mystery!-
but nothing stirs in their hearts, no song arises.
Birds sing-man has forgotten to sing.
Clouds come in the sky and the peacocks dance,
and man does not know how to dance.
He has become a cripple.
The trees bloom-and man thinks,
never feels, and without feeling there
is no flowering possible"

This made me think a lot about how I want to live my life from now on. I want to FEEL as much as possible, I want to enjoy every sun rise and I want to enjoy the magic that is in each day we are given to live. Once again I realized how important it is to Romance with Myself and spend the day just being KIND to myself! To be able to feel and listen to your own heart is a gift from the Universe that is so powerful and limitless. It's amazing!

Romancing with My Thoughts....

These days I have been spending a lot of time Romancing with my thoughts....as well trying to figure out WHO I AM...and WHAT I AM ALL ABOUT and WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO DO......

One thing I want to accomplish is ....I want to be able to have a quiet mind. Just BE STILL and LISTEN! I find that I lack listening skills some times and it gets me into a lot of trouble. Ha ha ha! I mean, Not that I want to get in trouble of any thing. It just kinda happens.

Hmm.....Well, I'm not sure what else to write right now so....I'll leave you with this thought....

" To find out what is truth requires immense patience, gentleness, hesitancy....but if as you listen you can be completely attentive, then you will see that this very attention frees you from effort so that without movement in any direction the mind is capable of receiving something which is extraordinarily beautiful and creative, something which is not to be measured by knowledge, by the past." -As One Is

I have been reading this book called As One Is and it's been inspiring me and it's filling with this passion to truly find WHO I AM and peel the layers of the Onion away.

Romancing At the Museum....

The other day I went to the Museum with bunch of friends and there are some of the photos I took...







There are many more but, I think I'll just leave it at these four.

Everything is ONE...

Last night I realized so many things that I can't even think to imagine. Everything I have learned since January of this year has all come together. I never even thought that everything would be connected. I just thought that things were just as they appeared but, things are not. Everything is ONE. It's all connected in this BIG circle and nothing is separate from each other. It all intertwines with each other.

My Teacher taught me once that "EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON".....Following this, "THERE ARE NO MISTAKES".....As well as, "WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT".....My Teacher still says this to me when I ask "WHEN?, WHEN IS THE TIME RIGHT?".....Well, I realized that in everything the right time comes when I am ready inside to receive the gifts from the Universe. All I need to do in the mean time is live in the NOW and always keep a look out for the gifts. Also, My Teacher has told me, "PATIENTS IS COURAGE"....I realized that during times of frustration and anxiety, I need to be more patient, as well as vigilant and be ready for to receive the gifts from the Universe. Everything is kind of interconnected. Nothing is really separate. Last night, everything made sense. It was amazing!

Everything is ONE and yet, they are so different but, when you look into this light...you are able to wait and see the beauty in everything and in every step we take.

YESTERDAY!

Yesterday was a cool day! I spent most of the day alone just Romancing with Myself and I realized many great things about Myself. First of all, I really missed spending time with Myself. It was a great feeling and I truly do find my Happiness when I spend time alone.

The word of the day was "Self Reliant".....and I realized so many cool things about having this Freedom to be Independent and Live the way I want too. It's a Freedom that we all take advantage of or, we do not necessarily accept our Life as having total Freedom. Everything just sort of revolved around being Free and having the Freedom to Choose.

I mentioned in my earlier postings that I have a Great Teacher who teaches me so many great things.... All my life, NO ONE has said to me that they are proud of me. My Teacher has been the only One who has said this to me and every time I do, My Heart is Happy and I've come to a point where, I just want to do the Right Thing and I found myself not being able to make a decision without asking My Teacher first. Well, yesterday I realized that it's great that My Teacher is proud of me but, I need to be independent. I'm the Only one that can choose for Myself.

I learned many great lessons this week and I will always make My Teacher proud and I will continue to grow and share my progress with you all.

Last Night I Realized.....

During the last few days, I hit the bottom. In other words, I had a very bad last few days. So many things seem to happening all at once and I totally missed what I was supposed to learn and realize about myself. Last night was the turning point. I realized so many things I never realized before about myself.

I have a really good friend who I consider as my Big Sister. She teaches me many many good and true things and she means a lot to me. I realized last night before I fell asleep that, once in a while when she says she is "PROUD OF ME", it makes my heart really happy and also, I feel like I'm special and I'm finally doing something right in my life. All my life no one has ever said this to me. I realized that this is why I always ask her questions as to what I should do.

I am so grateful for her kindness and I wish that in the future I can still make her proud of me.

After all these questions...

After really looking into my heart and writing my last post, I learned a lot. It seems to me that when we have days when we fall, we get up stronger in some ways and that is when we can truly change and find out who we are on the inside. LIFE IS NOT EASY! I'm learning this and some days I'm grateful and some days like today, I wonder if I'm capable of living this life with gratitude.

AM I READY??

WHAT KIND OF LIFE DO I WANT TO LIVE??

WILL I EVER BE THE PERSON I WANT TO BE??

You know, the answers to all these questions are inside of me. All I need to do is realize them....I already know this but, some of the time it just doesn't come to me fast enough and I make a mistake. I learn from the mistakes but, I just rather not go through the process any more. I guess always look for the easy way out but, if I'm going to listen to my own advice, I should not run away cause, "CRY BABIES NEVER WIN!"

Well, I guess this is all I want to say today. See ya!

Always remember that life is a learning process and that when we get up, we are all stronger because we get back up!

Ever FEEL like THIS.....??

EVER FEEL LIKE NO ONE UNDERSTANDS??
ever feel like everything is sooo hard sometimes??
EVER FEEL FREE YET TRAPPED??
ever feel like you can't TRUST any one??
EVER FEEL LIKE NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME??
ever feel like you'll never be right because your not getting something, your not understanding something??
EVER FEEL LIKE ONE PART OF YOUR LIFE IS PERFECT AND THE OTHER PART...WELL, YOU JUST CAN'T FACE??
ever feel like just giving up??
EVER FEEL LIKE JUST FORGETTING EVERYTHING AND STARTING FRESH BUT, YOU CAN'T??
ever feel like no listens to what you say??
EVER FEEL LIKE YOU REALLY WANT TO BE HAPPY BUT OTHERS ARE NOT LETTING YOU??
ever feel like your doing everything right but, in the end you know your not right??
EVER FEEL LIKE SOME ONES SLAVE??
ever feel like you want to stick up for yourself but, you don't want to hurt other people's feelings??
EVER FEEL LIKE PEOPLE ALWAYS NEED THINGS FROM YOU AND YET YOU HAVE NOTHING TO GIVE BECAUSE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IF YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING??
ever feel like you just don't belong??
EVER FEEL LIKE YOU CAN NEVER FORGIVE SOME PEOPLE??
ever feel like you just want people to hear you out??
EVER FEEL LIKE THIS??
ever feel like your just not smart enough??

A WORK IN PROGRESS!!

Living this life is a work in progress for every one, I guess.... Each day we are given the chance to re-create ourselves and strive to be the person we want to be. It's cool that way but, DO PEOPLE REALLY SEE A BRAND NEW DAY LIKE ANOTHER CHANCE OR, do they just think of NEW DAY as just "another day"??
Hmm.....I wonder what others think....even though, I can't change any one.

I always question my Teacher about why people never smile when they are walking down the street or on the subway, bus or any where...Every one seems so sad or troubled or something but, these days...I AM TRULY HAPPY! (not just on the outside but, really, really on the inside as well)
I guess every one else's life is a work in progress too. Not just me. I guess that is the cool part. Every one will change when they are ready to change and until they realize that they have the power to change and be happy. It's THIS MOMENT THAT MATTERS, YOU GET IT??

Since, my last posting and since I'm completely alone. NO FAMILY! I have been trying to change some of the things I'm supposed to change. For example, saying swear words. I have learned from my Teacher that "Swear Words are Not Adjectives", and it has helped a lot. I don't swear any more except for when it just kinda comes out. It's habit though, you can change bad habits by continuing to have good habits. Just practice, practice, practice....WHAT COULD BE SO HARD??

I'm telling you now, things are not easy! Especially when you really look at your self and change many things about yourself, all at once. Every day I'm going to re-create myself until I'm actually the person I want to be....I can try!

The thought manifests the word;
The word manifests the deed;
The deed develops into habit,
And habit hardens into character.
So, watch the thought and its ways with care,
And let it spring from love.
Born out of concern for all beings.

As the shadow follows the body,
As we think, so we become.

-Lama Surya Das

The NEXT STEP IN HAVING COMPLETE HAPPINESS AND JOY IN MY HEART...

These days my heart has been feeling very heavy and troubled every time some one in my family calls (it's like, I can't get away from them). I find true happiness in my heart when I am living my life without them and I truly want my own happiness to grow and grow and not get squashed every time they call. It's like they don't even care if a portion of my heart of happiness is broken off every time they call.

True HAPPINESS....Do people even know what this feels like or what exactly it is??

I think for the time being I've experienced it in my heart and I desire to hold this happiness and live my own life. For now, I've found it except....YES, FAMILY!!! I'm on the verge of completely blocking them out. If they push any more buttons....I think I would feel like, I would want to disown them.

My Teacher teaches me to be KIND. At first I thought being KIND was I had to put others first before myself and my heart but.....later, I learned that I can't be KIND to others unless I am KIND to myself first. I realized that I'm being KIND to myself staying away from my family.

A few weeks ago I went on a Artist's Walk and Date and during this time, I did something that I have never done before in my life. After this day, MY HEART, MY WHOLE BEING was so HAPPY. I can't even explain what I felt felt. This feeling stayed with me for the whole week. This is called "ROMANCING" with yourself. I want to feel this feeling all the time. I WANT TO BE HAPPY. IS IT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR??

Hmm....

These days I find life kind of....Hmm.....I can't really describe it. For one thing, it is challenging and yet through the challenges, so much magic happens. Life in general seems to be a Learning Process, Adventure, Listening, Trusting, Believing, Patients, Being a Friend, and expanding happiness.

During the last two weeks, I have spent a lot of time "Romancing" with myself and discovering things about myself that I never knew before. I also, ran into many challenges but, have come out of the struggles only to find out that I already know many things, I just need to be more patient and have more faith. Everything takes time is one BIG thing I realized. Whether or not I want it to or not.....Everything takes time. During this waiting time, all I need to continue to do is keep doing the things that make me happy. Then, something magical will happen. I will just know what I really want to do. It's cool that way but, I NEED TO HAVE MORE PATIENTS AND JUST TRUST. HAVE FAITH.

Also, I realized that even if it's just a little bit, I'm growing up. I'm not the same person as I was when I first moved out a month and a half ago. Each day I'm finding out WHO I AM and WHAT I WAN T TO BE. It's a cool process and I know, I'm growing. Even now I know that I have made lots of progress with everything that I'm learning from my Teacher and daily experiences.

Hmm...Yesterday was Father's day and I didn't want to meet my parents at all cause, i wanted to distance myself from my family for awhile until I'm ready and until they realize that I'm not their toy or belonging....But, we met outside so, I figured it would be ok. I went to meet them not expecting anything. I visioned them as the same people who probably haven't changed one bit. Well, much to my visioning, I was right. They haven't changed at all. My mom had dragged my dad out who, could barely come out of the car or walk straight because he had drank too much. I was a little disappointed but, REALITY is, THAT I CAN'T CHANGE THEM or EXPECT THEM TO CHANGE. I guess everyone has there place in the Universe and when they are ready, people will change. Until then, I plan on keeping my distance because, it actually makes me happy not seeing or talking to them all the time. I feel like I'm becoming my own person. I'M STANDING UP FOR WHAT I THINK IS RIGHT FOR ME.

I've come to learn that, "NO ONE CAN TELL ANYONE WHAT TO DO". It's a cool kind of FREEDOM we all have access too. Just because they are flesh and blood doesn't mean that they are considered FAMILY. Family is a group of people (whoever they are) who truly cares for each other, doesn't judge (well, you shouldn't judge anyone any ways), listens, and respects. This is what I think of a FAMILY. But, unfortunately there are many families that lack these simple and basic principles. It makes me sad.

Well, this was basically my past few weeks.

Hmm.....

Who Am I??

I am Dreams, wanting to come true.
I am Vision, wanting to be seen.
I am Light, wanting to shine.

I will make my dreams come true.
I will make my visions seen.
I will light the path of my future.

I am Kind, wanting kindness.
I am Good, wanting goodness.
I am Faith, wanting Faithfulness.

For I AM that I AM.

Blind Homeless Person...

Close to where I live, this person sits with this sign and waits for people to hand him some money.

I took this picture as I was coming back from my Artists Walk. All these feelings started forming and I felt compassion, sadness, grateful, and happy all at the same time.

"Your ATTITUDE of GRATITUDE determines your ALTITUDE" -Tulshi Sen

Homeless Person Sleeping on the Street...

I took this picture of a person sleeping on the street as I was walking by. I felt so bad for him because so many of us live so comfortably and still there are those who are sleeping on the street.

View racheldreams101's map

Taken in (See more photos here)

Trees of Compassion...

I called this picture, "Trees of COMPASSION, " because they live in a graveyard. It seemed to me that they were looking after all the people that are resting there.

Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast- you also miss the sense of where you are going and why. - Eddie Cantor

Dedicated to Anguli Mala, An Enraged Jungle Dwelling Giant Who Became Good...

I read a story about this giant named Anguli Mala and I wanted to dedicate this picture I took to him.

There was this giant who lived in the jungle and he was very angry. His name is very fitting for this giant cause Anguli means "finger bone" and Mala, means "necklace or rosary". "Around his neck he more a necklace of 999 human finger bones- one from each of the people he had killed. So lacking pity or mercy was he that he was even planning to murder his own mother, whose finger bone could then also be strung around his neck.

Everybody has aspirations of some sort; Anguli Mala's was to add the thousandth bone to his prized collection. This was his single-minded desire. With that in mind, one day as he was walking down the jungle path, he spied a yellow-robed mendicant walking slowly alone. Another finger bone! Anguli Mala hurried forward, murder in his twisted mind and violence on his face. But when he reached his intended victim and gazed into the Buddha's peaceful shining countenance, he was unable to complete his plan of action.

"Who are you?" Anguli Mala asked.'"Why do you shine like that, and what is it about you that immediately calms and pacifies my blazing inner fires?"

"The Buddha replied, "I have calmed my own inner fires."

Anguli Mala was so awed that he knelt down and confessed, "I was coming to kill you, a saint, but now the bonfire raging inside has gone out. Why?"

"This," the Buddha told Anguli Mala, "is the effect of inner peace, enlightenment, nirvana." -Awakening the BUddha Within by Lama Surya Das

Anguli Mala became good. To me this giant was very strong, bitter, and just so angry but, later on he became kind, compassionate, and loving. He had so much courage to change his old self and become a new person who found inner peace and happiness.

The JOURNEY BEGINS...

We begin this journey together,
you much appreciate that a secrets value is not what you know,
but in what you do.

-Dan Millman, The Way of the Peaceful Warrior

One Month Since...

It's been one month since I've moved out on my own. During the past month, I've had many struggles, and have discovered so many things about me that I never knew before. As well, the "Onion" has peeled a little as well. I also have learned many, many things from my Teacher that I'm still trying to digest.

Once again I was reminded that, "I can't change anyone." Even if I want my family to change some how, they won't. Even if I hope for them to change, they won't. It's a funny concept but, very TRUE. I realize this now after struggling with this inside my heart. Yes, I can feel a little frustrated but, I'm realizing that there is no point cause they will start to change when they are ready. All I can try to do is just accept them for who they are but, it will take lots of work on my part to get to this point. I'm willing to wait but in the mean time, I've decided not to deal with them.

Another great lesson that I have learned from my Teacher was that, I can't be kind to people unless, I'm kind to myself first. I had difficulty understanding this concept of BEING KIND, but now I get it. Yes, the ultimate goal is to be KIND to others no matter what but, everyone needs to learn to be KIND to themselves before anything, EVEN IF IT HURTS OTHER PEOPLE. It's important to "ROMANCE" with ourselves first (This does not mean any thing perverse). It just means, in order to find happiness, we need to learn to spend quality time with ourselves and discover who we are and just play with life and opportunities that come our way.

Just last week my Teacher suggested that I go do something that I have never done before and just "Romance" with myself. So, I went on a Artist Walk and I walked for 2 and a half hours. After spending these few ours "Romancing" with myself, I felt so much joy, happiness, and excitement that I have never experienced or felt before. It was so great! This is the feeling of expanding happiness in yourself. The thing is, after this experience....I could not seem to focus on my other responsibilities but, thats another thing we need to balance in our lives.

So, during this one month of freedom and discovery, I've made progress and I feel that I'm growing up just a little bit more. I know that my Happiness is just aroud the corner. I just need to realize it and discover it.

Being KIND!

My Teacher taught me that the Number 1 rule is to BE KIND TO OTHERS. I never really understood what she meant. Yes, you can be KIND to others but, to be genuinely KIND every one is actually quite difficult. I am also one who needs to constantly practice being KIND from the bottom of my heart, even to those who are not KIND to me.

The other day, I went out and I really needed to use the washroom. So I walked into a Coin Laundry place and I asked the lady if I could use th washroom and she replied, "NO, you are an outsider." I felt really angry because she called me an "Outsider". But, later on, I realized maybe it wasn't her fault being unkind. I realized in this world so many of us take advantage and do not realize how important it is to be KIND to others.

Being KIND to some one else is so important. When you are listening to some one, it is important for us to listen to them with our whole attention and our whole Beingness. As well, it is important to be KIND to those who we pass by on the streets. I realized that if one person starts being truly kind to every one, others around will start being KIND too.

Let's all try and bring our inner KINDNESS out and start spreading it.